Just Like Esme
by arielx
Summary: Bella jumped, and she did not plan on resurfacing. All she wanted was a choice.
1. Dying

**Just Like Esme**

**Chapter One - Dying**

I was dying.

Everyday, I felt the pull of death. There was nothing left for me in this life, only Edward, and he was gone. Jacob tried to help. He tried as hard as he possibly could to give me the space I needed. He thought I would get over _him_. There was no moving on. There was only existing left in my world. I was broken, and I was beyond repair. I had anticipated a future full of twilights, and I clung to the memories of those twilights with my lost love like a life preserver. The memories couldn't sustain me any longer. Jacob was my own personal sun. He kept me warm, but the warmth felt foreign, wrong. I longed for the cool feel of stone, the unbreakable arms that once wrapped themselves around me.

I shivered against the cool breeze that shifted the air on the top of the cliff. Looking over the edge I watched as the water below seemed to transform before my eyes. The storm was rolling in and the water thrashed angrily, waiting to consume me with greed.

Just like Esme.

Esme stood in my place, right before her human life ended. I learned that the mother figure of the Cullen family had lost the one she loved, the one she could not imagine going on without, her tiny baby. I never thought to ask her if she had named him, that tiny baby that died. I knew Esme would understand, if they ever found out about me. Esme would realize immediately, even if I could pass my actions off to the others as a simple accident. Accidents happened all the time to humans, especially to me. I hoped I would not hurt her with her own haunting memories. She has her family now, the one she would have rather died than live without. Esme would understand.

It was like Edward had died for me. He had been gone for months, all of them. Even Alice left without a word. Alice had waltzed into my life more gracefully than Edward, as though she knew she was meant to be there. I knew now she had known, but did she also see how it would end? The greatest betrayal, but I could not feel anything but love for the family that I lost.

Esme lost her tiny baby, I lost my family.

It would kill Charlie, Renee…..Jacob. But Jacob complicated things. He wanted me to forget about Edward, he didn't understand that remembering was all I had. Even now I heard his sweet voice, begging me to leave this place. To _be safe_.

One broken promise deserves another. I felt my lips curl into a bitter smile. He asked me to be safe, but also promised it would be as if he never existed. He broke his promise before the words had a chance to leave his lips. I couldn't forget. I would rather die than forget. He was forgiven, but I could never forget.

I left a note for Charlie back at home, he would get it when he returned from work. I told him I was cliff diving with Jacob, it was a reasonable excuse, the La Push kids did it all the time. Charlie thought I was on the mend, thanks to Jacob. I could never tell him, but I hated his knowing eyes, his dreams of having Jacob as a son in law, someone who would bring me back to life. Yes, he would believe I was with my new friends, the werewolves. Never mind they were so much stronger than I was, there was no danger for them up here on this cliff. As for me…I did not plan on resurfacing. I hoped that my human family would not know my truest intentions. Edward forever changed me, there was no going back. It was not his fault; he did not ask to be loved by a crazy human. He could not help it, he apparently liked his _distractions_, and I amused him for a year…more time than I deserved to have with a being like him. I would die fulfilled, just knowing that I knew him, even for a moment in time.

I looked down at the small scar on my hand. The scar reflected the sunlight, just like Edward's skin. Another reminder of him, not that it was needed. James was the first danger I discovered in this crazy world. I took it willingly. I would take a thousand more bites from James if it would bring Edward back.

I contemplated, after he left, trying to find the Denali clan in Alaska. But Edward didn't want me, and what good would immortality be if he did not want me? At least as a human I could choose to bow out before then end of my song.

I took a deep breath. I was dying, and finally now I had a choice. With Edward, he took the choice away from me, and I didn't blame him. I could never blame him. He took the choice of happiness away from me, so now I choose release.

I wondered briefly if Alice would see this. I hoped not. I hoped that being out of sight would have kept me out of her mind. Maybe Jasper would be her distraction, like the ones Edward wanted to chase. Alice had Jasper for the rest of her immortal life. Alice was sure of her future, and now I was sure of mine.

There was nothing left for me here, standing on top of the windy cliff. I watched the waves crash against the rocks below, encouraging me to join them. There was nothing left.

"Goodbye, Edward. I love you."

And then I jumped.

**A/N**

My first Twilight fan fic I have been writing Harry Potter fics for years, but I had to try my hand at Twilight. This story will not be as long as my normal ones, but this isn't a one-shot. I am a lover of angst, but also happy endings. I'll leave it at that, and I do love reviews!


	2. Aftermath

**Just Like Esme****  
Chapter Two - Aftermath**

I knew by the look on Alice's face that she was far away, seeing something that had not yet come to pass. I was not prepared when I stole a look inside her mind for the image that would haunt me for the rest of my never-ending life,

"NO!" I heard myself roar, while Alice jumped up and screamed.

The family stared at Alice and I, usually used to the way we converse, with alarmed looks.

"Bella!" Alice screamed to the girl who could not hear her, the girl that Alice was watching plummet to her death.

Jasper was at her side in an instant, always protective of his Alice. "What is it?" he said in a worried voice, almost shuddering at the emotions thundering off of us. "Alice? What do you see?"

I was still inside Alice's vision, watching the monstrous waves toss my love, my reason for existence, like a toy, a plastic bathtub boat. It was a train wreak, my on personal carnage I could not control.

"Edward?" I was vaguely aware of Carlisle's voice, sounding like he was very far away. I couldn't respond, I was as still as death as I watched my Bella succumb to hers.

As soon as the vision was there, it was gone. Alice was shaking her head, as if to clear away the picture that we both knew was forever burned into our immortal memories. I saw her searching for another vision, the aftermath of Bella's fall. But I knew how Alice's visions worked, she was attuned to Bella, she loved her almost as much as I, but months of distance along with Bella's mortality made it harder for Alice to find Bella's future. I waited, watching, petrified like the stone I was.

"ALICE!" Jasper was panicking now, feeling the wreckage of our emotions roll off of us in waves. He shook her, trying to snap her out of it. "Alice!"

"Bella…" Alice whispered. Her soprano voice would have been silent to human ears. "She jumped."

Esme was at her other side, understanding immidiatly what Alice saw. I was somewhat aware of being shaken myself, by Carlisle.

"What do you mean?" Esme asked, sounding horrified, knowing her fears would be confirmed.

"She jumped," was all Alice could say. "Bella jumped. The La Push cliff."

"Why? Why would she do such a thing?" Esme's voice shook, her needless breath catching in her throat.

The room was silent. Everyone knew the answer. Alice's mind was a wrecking ball of guilt and accusation, all directed towards me. Jasper had his head hung low, his mind empty of all thought, only shame, blaming himself for our need to leave in the first place.

"Is it too late?" Rosalie surprised me by asking the question. Her shallow mind was nervous, wondering what was coming next, also worried, wondering if the fragile human threw away her precious life. I felt an unfamiliar surge of compassion to my sister.

Carlisle was already on his silver phone, booking an airline from Alaska to Seattle. We would be in Forks by nightfall.

I took it all in, unable to move, forgetting to breathe. The room was buzzing with so many rapid thoughts I could barely focus on my own. Jasper looked like he was in pain, and I realized the emotion of the room must be overpowering to him as he tried to do his best to keep his love from becoming hysterical. It wasn't working. Esme was holding Carlisle's hand while he spoke into his small phone, shaking with grief for her lost daughter. Alice's eyes were focusing in and out is rapid succession, searching desperately for the outcome we both needed to see. Rosalie and Emmett were in a deep discussion now, their minds a whirlwind of plans for when we suddenly returned to where we hastily left, all the while glancing nervously at me every few seconds.

They watched for any movement from me, any at all. I was still as a statue, realizing I was concentrating so hard on Alice's flickering visions I was making the others in my family very, very nervous.

Carlisle put a hand on my shoulder. "We know nothing yet, Edward. She may still be alive. Perhaps it was an accident."

Even as my father said it I knew he didn't truly believe it, but he hoped, his entire mind was filled with hope. Carlisle had that luxury, his ability to hold on to hope.

Esme's mind was something else entirely. Esme wasn't here with us in this room, she was deep in her mind, visiting a darker time of her existence. The last human memory she had was the wind rushing past her as she fell, she was visualizing the son she lost, the son I worked so hard to replace, knowing I never could. Her perspective could have come from the vision Alice was having, but from the wrong point of view. Wrong for both the women I loved unconditionally.

I closed my eyes and forced myself out of Esme's mind, partially out of respect for my adopted mother, and partially because I couldn't stand watching. The only thing that was keeping me glued to where I stood was the fact that Alice had not seen Bella's limp, lifeless body yet, the flickers where moving too quickly to focus on. There was a chance she got out, perhaps someone was nearby, perhaps she was with friends…

But, if there was nothing for me to come back to in Forks, I was going to Italy. Perhaps I would find her, after this world…I had not dared to believe it before, I was a soulless monster. Perhaps Bella's goodness would persevere, she could be saved.

Just as I was thinking it Alice snapped out of her focus and whipped her head around, a huge snarl coming from her tiny throat.

"Don't even think about it, Edward!" She said loudly. "I can't focus on Bella when my brother is thinking of following her!"

Five immortal faces turned to me in shock and horror. Carlisle, closest to me, gripped me in a hold that would have snapped human bones.

"No," he said in the closest voice to a growl I had ever heard my father utter. "No, Edward, you are coming with us. We will find Bella, and we will find her alive."

I couldn't read my father's mind, for once in my new existence. His mind was turmoil, as was nearly everyone in this room. It was a storm I had never reckoned with before, but it still sang with the hope he had gained from years in the hospital and hundreds of emergency rooms. His mind was full of miracles I couldn't help but believe. If anyone deserved a miracle, my Bella did.

Alice sighed from across the room. "That's better," she said.

She saw me on a plane, surrounded by my family, on my way to see my Bella.

**A/N**

Oh, this is really, really fun to write. I hope it's easy to bounce between different POV's. Like I said before, this is my first try at Twilight fiction, and I'm kind of in love. Please leave me comments/criticism, I'm finding it's A LOT harder to write this than it is Harry Potter. There's an entirely different tone, and I would love feedback, let me know that it's marginally believable!


	3. Comatose

**Just Like Esme**

**Chapter Three – Comatose **

The plane ride was hell. Alice kept reminding me than flying was faster than running. I did not care.

Carlisle was on my left, Alice on my right, both keeping me from jumping out of the plane and taking off on my own.

Alice was still trying to focus on what happened to Bella, if she was still alive. Finally she focused on the image we were all hoping for.

Bella. My sweet, innocent Bella was lying in a hospital bed; dozens of tubes and medical equipment were attached to her, surrounding her, engulfing her. My Bella, paler than most humans, was chalk next to her pillow, her hair fanning around her face like a halo.

She was alive.

Alice slumped in her seat, exhausted from the constant searching of the last few hours. Jasper rubbed her shoulders, trying to give her comfort.

"She's alive," I said to my family.

I watched as Esme closed her eyes and breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Carlisle's eyes were on me, still worried, but full of hope.

"I'll check on her myself," Carlisle promised. "We're not too late."

I put my face in my hands and concentrated on breathing in and out. My Bella was alive, I was not too late. She would be under the care of the most practiced, accomplished doctor in the world. Carlisle would make sure Bella would survive this.

The plane landed as night fell on the city. It wasn't long before we were crossing into Forks, all of us making for the hospital at our supernatural speed.

Once in the hospital Carlisle spoke with another doctor he used to work with, I had already forgotten his name. He was surprised to see the entire Cullen family in the hospital, Carlisle simply told him we heard about Bella, and he wanted to help personally. The doctor could not argue with this, everyone knew Carlisle was an incredibly accomplished doctor. Bella would be in the most capable hands possible.

Visiting hours were long over, but the doctor was thinking that maybe if he was kind and accommodating to Carlisle and his family Carlisle might return to the hospital. He had no idea how right he was. If Bella made it through this I was never leaving her side again.

The doctor led us to her room, explaining what we were to find.

Bella was comatose. Jacob Black, her friend form the reservation, pulled Bella out of the water. I wondered fleetingly why Alice had not seen that. Bella hit her head in the water and was under a long time, going too long without the oxygen that was precious to humans. Along with a few broken bones the doctors have not been able to detect any brain activity. They were keeping her in the hospital for the standard observation period, but after twenty-four hours if Bella was still unresponsive they were going to declare her legally brain dead.

Twenty-four hours. It had already been what? Twelve? Had it only been twelve hours since Alice first witnessed Bella's fall? Bella only had twelve more hours to come back to us.

The doctor left Carlisle and I at Bella's door. Alice's vision had come full circle and I crossed the room, at her side in an instant. The doctor was gone, and I was alone with my father, the creator of my existence, and my Bella, the _reason_ for my existence.

I took her hand and watched her face. She could have been sleeping, like so many nights I watched her in her bedroom. My sweet, fragile Bella, finally broken.

Carlisle was reading over the charts at the edge of the bed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, my son," Carlisle said softly. "This does not look good. Her brain went without oxygen for so long; it does not look like it will recover from the damage."

I hung my head and shuddered uncontrollably. Bella's hand was cool to the touch and I knew the life force that I loved was gone.

"Edward?" Carlisle was watching me, waiting for my next move.

I barely heard him. All of a sudden my mind was taken to a day I remembered well, the day I showed Bella my skin in the sunlight. She was lying in the grass beside me, smiling, blushing, _alive_.

But this wasn't my memory, it was the wrong angle, the wrong colors. I was watching this through human eyes, through…

"Bella!" I didn't bother to control my voice.

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, louder than before. He looked quite alarmed now, and Esme and Alice entered the room, their eyes wary.

"Carlisle," I said, trying to keep myself under control, but concentrating on the picture in my mind. "Carlisle, I think I'm in Bella's head."

Three pairs of eyes snapped to me, but I barely noticed. Bella was still in there, visiting our meadow with me, deep inside her mind.

"You're seeing Bella's mind?" Carlisle was shocked.

"Yes," I replied, excited now, hopeful. "There are no thoughts, she's…dreaming? Can you dream while in a coma?"

"There is no conclusive evidence." Carlisle replied. He was over at the various monitors by her bed, checking the machine that monitored Bella's brain activity. "Edward, these scans still show nothing, no activity, nothing firing. They say that people in a coma may still dream, but Bella…she is deeper than that."

I didn't look up, still transfixed in Bella's dream.

"Maybe Bella's different," I argued. I could not deny what I was seeing, it was my own memory, slightly distorted through her human eyes, but it was a memory I held close to my stone heart. "Maybe whatever kept me out of her head before is protecting her mind now, only it is working so hard to keep her brain functioning it cannot keep me out as well."

Carlisle was still studying the printouts from the machine closely. "It is true," he said, "that the brain is the final frontier in medicine. Even with all the studies and research, we still do not know everything that the mind hides."

I watched as the picture in Bella's mind faded into something else entirely. Bella was alone, in the woods where I told her goodbye. She was curled up in the fetal position, a position I knew well, a position I spent most of the last few months in myself. She was alone and crying, and it was entirely my fault.

"She's alone now," I couldn't help narrate what I was seeing to my family. "She's alone and crying. Carlisle, what can I do?"

Carlisle looked up from the printouts. "Edward…" he looked at me with uncertainty. "There's no medical cure for this. These scans show that it is highly unlikely, nearly impossible, that Bella will wake up. Even if she did…Edward, she won't be Bella anymore. She will be completely dependant on the respirator to breathe for her. She won't be able to speak, that is not a life. I can only think of two options for Bella now."

I looked at my father and immediately knew what those options where. Esme went to the opposite side of the bed from me, taking Bella's other hand. She too was surprised how cold Bella felt against her own cool skin. My vision of Bella was being interrupted by futures Alice was now seeing. Bella with red eyes and Bella in a coffin. Alice's vision was unsure, flickering quickly back and forth, as unsure as I was.

"What do I do, Carlisle?" I was torn. She was here in front of me, breathing, dreaming, but I knew Carlisle would tell me if there was another option. There were only two.

"She is like me." Esme's soft voice broke the deafening silence. "Poor Bella, there is nothing more terrifying than falling."

My Bella had been scared. I couldn't protect her from it. She was hiding so deep inside her mind that she left herself vulnerable for me to see her. I almost wished I couldn't. I wanted to give her the privacy she enjoyed before.

"Bella," I spoke softly for her, imploring her to hear me. "Bella, please, tell me what you want."

"Edward," Alice looked at me with uncertain eyes, wondering if she should continue. "She wanted it before; you saw her future before we left. She wanted to join our family."

"But take away her soul?" I couldn't help ask. I saw Esme flinch in the corner of my eye.

"We cannot know that," Carlisle said to me. "We simply cannot know for sure. What are our options now? We can count on the venom to save Bella, but we cannot count on Bella to wake up on her own accord."

My eyes stayed fixed on my Bella's pale face. The blush that I loved was no where to be seen. Bella truly was gone.

"How can we transform her without drawing attention?" I looked at my father, the head of our family.

"Charlie will be back in the morning; perhaps we can talk to him. They're going to tell him there is nothing left they can do. Perhaps we can give him an alternative, a way to keep his daughter."

Alice was focusing on that future, but it was not coming. The future was still undecided, balanced on whether or not Charlie would trust us with his daughter.

**A/N**

I really love writing this! Let me know what you think!


	4. Faith and Trust

**Just Like Esme**

**Chapter Four – Faith and Trust**

It was the longest night of my existence.

The only night that rivaled this torture was the night I left her, left my Bella. I thought I could be strong enough to keep her safe, and the ideal that by distancing myself would give her a better life kept me going, kept me sane. My Bella was gone now, and it appeared that the only thing that could save her was to take away her soul, the one thing I wanted to avoid more than anything. But Bella didn't believe that Vampirism, the life of the immortal, necessarily meant you became a soulless creature. In a way she almost had me convinced she was right. After all, who, beyond anyone else in this entire world, deserved a place in heaven more than Carlisle? Carlisle spent centuries saving lives, Carlisle was good. And Bella, she almost had me convinced I was not a monster, how could someone as lovely and pure as Bella love something that possessed no soul? I dared to hope, for her sake.

We just had to convince Charlie that Carlisle had a cure for his daughter. Although Bella was a legal adult, all medical decisions were in Charlie's tormented hands. I learned that the same day Bella jumped, Charlie's long-time friend suffered a heart attack and died. Everyone in the hospital was wondering if Charlie was going to have to bury his daughter the same week as his friend.

I was fully dependant on Carlisle for our plan to work. There was no reason for Charlie to trust me; to him I was seventeen, a child, not much older than his own. It was also apparent that the town blamed me for Bella's recent depression. I wouldn't argue with them.

We devised a fairly in depth plan to convince Charlie to trust Carlisle. Tanya, our friend from Denali, was on her way right now to the hospital. She would pose as a former patient of Carlisle's, her skin, like ours, would serve as a warning for what Charlie would be in for when Bella woke up. We needed to bring Charlie proof that Carlisle's "method" would work. We had to get him to trust us enough to let Bella come back to our home, where she would be screaming in pain for the next three days.

I kept Alice close to me, which I knew was irritating her. She tried to keep her thoughts to herself, knowing that her visions of the future were giving me comfort. My sister truly was a saint, another example that there truly was good among our kind. Tiny Alice was no more a monster than Carlisle.

Her visions did not focus on one outcome though, always flickering between the blood red eyes and the coffin. I knew that Bella's life rested in Charlie's hands, but perhaps there would be a way around him. If I had to I would steal my Bella away from this hospital, consequences be damned.

Alice looked at me with vivid alarm, but said nothing. She knew well enough to know I would do everything I could to keep my Bella from death. I was glad to see I saw understanding and resolve in her eyes and mind. Alice would help me if it came to this path.

Daylight was breaking when Tanya waltzed into the hospital. She was every bit as graceful as Alice and sharp as a tack. When we first called on the Denali coven to help us I was unsure of Tanya's response. She showed an interest in me the previous year, but I only had eyes for Bella. Tanya was another truly good person, she pushed aside past issues with ease and stepped up to help us save my Bella.

"Carlisle, Edward," Tanya greeted us both, before turning to the rest of the family. I wondered for a moment what the other doctors would say about this strange sight, another person resembling the Cullen family.

"Tanya," my voice cracked, I hadn't spoken in hours. "Thank you," I could not express my gratitude in mere words, and I hoped she would understand.

Tanya smiled a radiant smile that often brought human men to her feet. "Please, Edward. She will be family, and we do anything for our family."

I bowed my head in gratitude. Perhaps we were not the ones who would be damned.

"Charlie will be here in ten minutes," Alice spoke up quietly. Tanya looked to Carlisle for instructions.  
"This is a terribly delicate matter," Carlisle said in a soft voice, the nurses that were coming in for morning rounds would never hear him. "The doctors all agree; even the neurologist from Seattle, that there is no hope left for Bella. They plan on telling Charlie that there is nothing left for them to do, Bella will not be able to survive on her own. I want to have the chance to speak with Charlie privately for a moment, and then the floor will be yours."

"What shall I say?" Tanya looked up to my father. "Is there any specific information I should know about her condition?"

"She is legally brain dead," Carlisle replied. I flinched as it came out of his mouth. "I think the best way to approach this is to tell Charlie you yourself were in Bella's place, after a hiking injury maybe? Play it close to Bella's own story, close enough to let Charlie believe it, give him hope. I would tell him that your parents heard of an experimental procedure that would shock the brain to life, if you play your part well I believe we have a shot. We must make Charlie believe that there is no other option. Let him know that you are healthy and vibrant, and he will see Bella's face in yours."

Tanya nodded, her golden eyes alive with excitement. It wasn't often out kind had the opportunity to break apart for the everyday routine, and I could tell Tanya hasn't had this much excitement in years.

"Five minutes," Alice reminded us. "Edward, I think you should leave, I'm seeing Charlie turning colors just looking at you. Carlisle, you should take your place in Bella's room, Esme, Tanya, and I will stay in the waiting room."

"Where do I go?" I asked my sister. Rosalie and Emmett had already returned to our former home, preparing for Bella's arrival.

"The sanctuary," was Alice's surprising answer. Even as her eyes flickered from the future to the present she seemed startled at her own vision. "It would do well to be in the sanctuary."

I saw the vision and did not question it. My Bella's life was balanced on Carlisle and Tanya's acting skills. I thanked whatever deities that may be that I had such experienced and wonderful people in my life, and I took my leave, keeping my second hearing trained on my family.

The Forks Hospital sanctuary was a quiet, understated room. It was where people could be at peace while they waited for the fates of their loved ones to come to pass. There was nothing in this room besides a half dozen pews and a rough wooden cross to the front. I remembered Bella's look of surprise when she found Carlisle's father's cross in our home. She found it humorous in a house full of vampires. Had fate brought me to this room for any other reason I would be amused myself, but I lowered myself to my knees here in this quiet room, bowed my head, and began to listen.

Charlie arrived precisely when Alice said he would. I watched through her eyes as Charlie took in the three people who took up the small waiting room of the intensive care unit. Esme was up at once, portraying the role of a concerned friend and fellow parent perfectly. It was a role she did not need to rely on acting skills to play, she felt that Bella was every bit her daughter as she was Charlie's, and the memory from her own lost child was blazing in her mind.

"Charlie," she said softly as he came through the door. "We came as soon as we heard."

"We?" Charlie couldn't help but demand. His mind immediately flickered to me.

"Carlisle came to offer any help he could, he is especially experienced in this field of medicine," Esme replied.

I saw Charlie's expression soften when he realized that Esme truly looked every bit as heartbroken as he felt. Her lovely face was distraught, and Alice had the foresight to splash a few drops of water on both Esme's and her own face. We could not cry, but it we would if it were possible. Charlie immediately picked up on the tears. Alice always knew.

"Thank you," Charlie took Esme's gloved hands and held them for a moment. "Is Carlisle in there now?"

The unspoken question was whether or not I was in there as well. "He is her room now, he shooed everyone else out." Esme replied.

I held my needless breath and waited as Charlie walked towards Bella's room. This was it.

A/N

This chapter truly wrote itself! Thanks for the reviews, I love the feedback. What will Charlie say? Can he trust Carlisle enough to help his daughter?


	5. Concrete Angel

Chapter 5

Concrete Angel

I was pretty sure I was dead.

As far as death goes, I had to say I was disappointed. Death was not the blank abyss I had assumed it would be, nor was it a tropical paradise or a fiery pit. Apparently my afterlife consisted of reliving the most significant moments of my life.

Not that I minded. All of the significant moments of my life revolved around Edward. Maybe this was some sort of purgatory. Punishment for offing myself. As much as I loved reliving our time in the meadow, I even welcomed reliving the all-consuming despair of after he left. That was the last time I felt. Felt anything. I felt like my heart had been ripped out in the most brutal way possible, but that was preferable to the numb shell I retreated into for the following months.

I never really gave a lot of thought to the afterlife. Even up on that windy cliff all I could think about was the rush, the release, and then hopefully nothing. Death, to me, was not a spiritual thing, nor a thing to truly be afraid of. It was an unknown, like Edward.

Still, this odd sort of purgatory was comforting. I laid there in the meadow and enjoyed watching the sunlight reflect off of Edward's skin. The most beautiful vision in the world, and it was mine to behold forever. That sounded like heaven.

It was strange though, Edward did not speak. I felt a little cheated, in a way. Edward's voice was just as lovely as his skin in the sunlight, but this was my mind's Edward, not Edward himself. Perhaps my mind simply wasn't strong enough to conjure both his appearance and his voice. Maybe it was something I could work on.

But I could hear him. The sweet voice was not coming from the man who lay beside me, but it surrounded me, filling the air like a song.

"Bella."

I spent the months following his departure chasing that sound, how perfect that my afterlife consisted of hearing him say my name.

Something was a bit off, however. There was a desperate edge to the tone of his voice that was new; I had never heard Edward sound so…panicked?

Even when James bit me he still remained collected, if not furious. This voice that filled the air was…sad. It was an emotion I could not handle hearing in Edward's perfect voice.

I wanted to tell him to not be sad. I couldn't handle an eternity of listening to the edge of despair that reflected in his beautiful voice. I wanted to tell him so bad not to be upset, and it was then I realized I couldn't speak.

I tried to open my mouth, and realized that I was not in control of my body in any way. I was lying on my side, watching Edward, and I couldn't move. It didn't feel like paralysis, not that I would know if it did, but it was as though my mind had forgotten that it was in charge of moving my body. My mind was only concerned with watching Edward and listening to his sad voice.

I truly must have died. I never in my life would have simply accepted the fact that I literally could not move. The only thing my alive self and my dead self had in common was that they were both perfectly content to lay here and stare at this concrete angel for the rest of eternity.

Perhaps there was something to this death thing. Maybe the afterlife is different for everyone. It felt like more than I could possibly deserve, but it was everything I wanted. Edward was my own personal heaven. I held no regrets that I had to end my life in order to be with him again, I just hoped he never found out my fate.

"Bella."

I smiled internally, which was when I realized that my afterlife face couldn't even smile. It didn't matter though; no one was here to see me. I didn't have to pretend to be happy anymore. I didn't have to keep up exhausting appearances for my father and friends. My father, once the shock of my untimely death wore off, would be relieved he no longer housed a zombie. I hoped Charlie would understand. I did not like hurting him.

"Bella," I heard the soft, broken voice again. "Bella, please, tell me what you want."

I was confused. What I wanted? Why would Edward think I wanted for anything when I was dead? The figure beside me was still, simply content to continue watching me. The tormented voice was not coming from my mental Edward.

So what did that mean? Was this hell? Was I sentenced to an eternity of listening to Edwards's sad, sad voice? What did Edward have to be sad about? He left me, he was off to chase another distraction to entertain him throughout his immortal life. I truly should have known better the second I realized who Edward was. Vampire. What hold did an average human girl hold for someone like Edward? He couldn't drink my blood, the way it sang for him was simply not comfortable for him. He did not want to disappoint his family and I held no other amusement for him. He had to go. I did not blame him. So why did he sound so sad? Did he regret that I had died? I was not immortal; he knew one day I would. Perhaps I caught him by surprise. Maybe he felt guilty for my human weakness.

I couldn't handle it. I could not handle listening to the one person who brought me to life sound tormented for the rest of my endless existence.

I couldn't help but appreciate the irony though. There was once a time when I thought I would have eternity to be with Edward, to memorize his every feature, to listen to the sound of his voice until the world died. It was ironic that in my afterlife I would have that same opportunity, but in a twisted, dark way. It was so wrong, but I couldn't help but feel that this was the only way I could truly atone to what I have done, what I put my parents through.

I continued to stare at Edward, and felt an uneasy feeling rise within me. The voice that had floated in the air was still drifting in the back of my mind, but the panicked edge was something I couldn't shake.

I wondered fleetingly if purgatory was meant to drive the sinners crazy before sending them into the fire. Was that some form of mercy? Maybe the people who were too cowardly to live were doomed to exist in a place where they had to face what they were running away from for the rest of eternity.

If I could have cried in my frozen body I certainly would have.

(A/N)

Sorry such a short chapter. I didn't want to overkill the whole woe-is-me thing. Next up we get a brand new POV!


	6. Esme's Story

My human life was not as tragic as my death had been.

To be perfectly clear, my life up until my ill-fated marriage was a fairy tale in every way. I had a wonderful childhood, was doted on by loving parents, and had an older brother whom I adored. I even met the love of my existence at a very young age, I simply didn't know it at the time.

I met another man just a few years later. He was handsome, charming, and it was not very long before he made me his wife. He didn't compare to the stunning doctor who had taken care of me at sixteen, but he was there and he wanted me. I quickly agreed to the marriage, to my parent's approval, and we were happy for a short time. Like most newlywed women, I thought the honeymoon would never end.

But end it did.

I was young, and in being so, a very inexperienced housewife. I had assumed, justifiably, that there would be some sort of grace period from my husband to give me enough time to step into me new role as his wife.

Looking back, I do not think the real issue was ever the fact that my cakes would sometimes fall, or the steaks I cooked for him happened to come out medium instead of his preferred medium-rare. The fact that remained was that my new husband had wanted a slave, a concubine, and finally a dog that he could beat whenever he felt the urge.

It went on this way for quite some time. I was young and naive, and did not realize this was wrong, so very, very wrong.

I found relief in the most horrifying places: the drafts of World War I. While other wives sobbed as their husbands left for war, I felt a part of my heart lift. A large part of my being still wanted to please my husband and my parents, so I threw myself into mastering difficult cooking skills and cleaned our small home like a woman possessed. Another part of me, however, realized this was the happiest I had been in a long time. I felt free.

Like any war, it seemed to be over just as suddenly as it had begun. The year was 1920, and my husband was back with a vengeance.

The year trudged on and developed another one of many sore points in our marriage: my inability to conceive. Back then, there was no way to test fertility, or to know if it was the woman or man to blame, so of course the blame defaulted to me. My husband was dreadfully angry I was not producing him the ten strapping boys he had always imagined himself surrounded by. Of course I thought it was my fault. Something was wrong with me.

Finally, one terribly dreary day, my life lit up like the fourth of July. I had been three weeks late and had barely dared to hope, but the town doctor was smiling and congratulating me under his salt and pepper hair and half moon glasses.

I had suddenly become a mother-to-be.

The joy I shared with my husband was short lived. I had foolishly thought this was to be the turning point in our relationship. I remembered how my father had cared for my mother anytime she was ill, but my husband never lifted a finger to aid me. Although I loved my baby and valued him more than my own life, the tiny little being growing inside of me did not make it easy for me to carry him. I was sick constantly and could barely stand the thought of food. Any food that I previously enjoyed eating did not stay down long enough to sustain me. The elderly town doctor told my husband and I that I required bed rest if we wanted to see this baby brought to term. My husband thought he was lying on my behalf.

Four months into my pregnancy, I did something I hadn't even dared dream about before my baby. I packed a tiny carpet bag and took off in the dead of night.

I never saw my husband again.

I settled in a tiny town where the sun to rain ratio was highly skewed in favor of the rain. I took a position as a school teacher to support myself for the duration of my pregnancy. The townspeople were kind to me; having seen my ring, they assumed I was a widow. I felt no need to correct them.

I felt better than I had in my entire life, but the life growing inside of me was still taking a toll on my body. I was never a sickly child, but apparently pregnancy did not agree with me. Thankfully, my students and their parents were more than happy to see that I was cared for. That was the kind of community it was.

It seemed like a lifetime ago I left my husband, but suddenly that life came flooding back to me when I went into labor a month and a half early… completely alone.

By the grace of God, someone had happened to be walking past the small cottage I rented with the help of school assistance. My neighbor, Mrs. Zukas, was a kindly old woman who often brought me meat pies and fresh fruit. She called for her son, and with their help I was transported to the hospital.

The next few days in the hospital were the most joyous and heart wrenching of my entire human life.

After six hours of labor my son was born, a little under two months early. At that day and age, a premature birth to that extent nearly always ended in tragedy. My story was no different.

I didn't even get to name my tiny baby. Mrs. Zukas and the doctor said it would be best if I did not grow any more attached to him as I already had. The look in Mrs. Zukas's eyes betrayed what she and I already knew, though; name or no name, a child lost is a child lost.

My son was a fighter. It was another two days before he finally gave in to the infection that invaded his tiny, under-developed lungs.

After burying my son, I think I broke. I cried so hard the day he died that I think my body went into dehydration mode. I couldn't see properly anymore, like my eyes were blurred by perpetual tears. I had a hard time breathing, as though to reflect the lungs that had failed my son as well.

I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I stared at a wall and rocked, a move I barely realized I was making.

I reflected on my life, which had started so promising. I hated my husband for what he had done to me, but I couldn't hate him for giving me the experience of being able to give myself over to love another being, my baby, completely.

I would not go back to him. That decision was made up before I had given birth. I knew that I would rather die that live in his own personal hell again. I would rather die.

I would rather die than live with the constant heartache that wormed its way into my very soul. My womb felt as empty as my arms, which should have been holding my now-cold baby. It was a foreign ache I was not prepared for, physically or mentally.

I would rather die.

When I found myself atop that cliff, it was as though I had been sleepwalking the whole way. Suddenly, things snapped into perfect clarity, and I felt the strangest sense of calm wash over me. I would see my baby soon.

I remember very little after that thought crossed my mind. I jumped, I screamed, and then nothing.

And then, _everything_.

That beautiful, stunning doctor was standing over me, a mix of concern and hope in his brilliant golden eyes.

Of course I was in Heaven; now where was my baby?

Before I could ask the angel doctor where my baby was, he explained everything to me. I think he meant to keep me from going into shock, but as soon as he spoke of it, the burning in the back of my throat became almost unbearable. It took him and another beautiful boy to keep me down. After I had regained some composure, Carlisle took me hunting.

It was rare that I would reflect back to that dark time in my previous life. Every once in awhile, Emmett's boyish grin flashed the dimples that reminded me of a baby's chubby smile, and my still heart ached and my hands instinctively flew to the womb I knew would remain empty forever.

I filled the empty feeling in my arms with my new husband, my Carlisle- my maker and my savior. I loved him fully and passionately. While we could never have children together, we grew a family just the same.

And now our family was literally in grave danger. My first son, Edward, had tried so hard to do the right thing. He tried to do what he believed was right, but like so many people, he did not fully think of the consequences, the aftermath of his actions.

Bella was already a daughter to me, even if Edward insisted we needed to leave her. I almost told him_ No, I did not want to lose another child._ It appeared that it didn't matter. Bella seemed to have left us.

Bella was always pale, but she looked like death itself was minutes away. Her complexion was chalky, and every indication of life was washed out of her features. I knew what she meant to Edward; I could literally feel what she meant to Edward. I felt the same love towards Carlisle and my "children." It was an all-consuming, unyielding, unconditional love that one cannot bear to live without.

I loved Carlisle with every fiber of my being. He gave me what life failed to: a loving family. I would do absolutely everything in my power to see to it that Bella got through this, one way or another. I would not lose another child.


	7. Nothing to Lose

From the moment Bella stumbled into my life, her heart became the most significant sound of my entire existence.

Alone in this sanctuary I could hear all the thoughts, voices, and heartbeats of roughly one hundred employees, patients, and visitors. I could still pick out Bella's faint heartbeat out of all of them.

Nothing in my extended life called out to me the way Bella's blood did, but it was that tiny, seemingly insignificant sound of her life-sustaining heartbeat that I lived for, that I would happily die for.

And yet I found myself begging every higher power I have ever heard of that Charlie would unknowingly agree to let us put an end to that maddening, wonderful, incredibly significant sound.

A large part of my conscience screamed at me. This was wrong! This was not the order of life. We were not natural. People lived so that they may grow old and die. I must be the most selfish creature to have ever put a mark upon this earth, but Alice's voice kept drowning out that feeling in my still heart. I clung to Alice's words like a life preserver. Alice said that Bella's number should have been up the day that I met her, and yet she still breathed, if barely. Maybe I was meant to be in her life. Maybe Bella was simply above humanity.

After all, I knew better than to bet against Alice.

My breath ceased as I watched, through Carlisle's kind eyes, as Charlie hesitantly reached out to shake my father's cold hand.

"Carlisle," Charlie greeted him stiffly. It was obvious he was immensely grateful to see the talented doctor, if not incredibly uncomfortable.

The two men were alone in Bella's room. Her heartbeat called out to all of us, as though her heart knew it could not care for this beautiful girl anymore and was begging us for help.

Carlisle's mind was a whirl of pain and hope. It almost hurt to be in it.

"Charlie," Carlisle started gently, using a voice I knew he did not use when he acted the part of a doctor. Carlisle was speaking to Charlie almost as a father figure: authoritative and kind.

"Bella is dying," Charlie said bluntly before Carlisle could say another word. In all my life, I could not recall hearing such a broken sound.

Carlisle nodded slightly and placed a cool hand on to of Bella's. Carlisle was unsurprised to notice that there was little temperature difference.

"Bella has suffered extreme cognitive trauma," Carlisle said slowly. "Just the fact that she is still breathing shows you how strong your girl is."

Carlisle had chosen his words with care, and his effort did not go unrewarded.

Charlie swelled slightly with pride behind his sadness. The police chief's eyes were misted over as he stared at his only child, barely a woman and so close to death. He walked to Bella's side, taking the same hand. Carlisle moved back slightly to give Bella's father more room.

Carlisle was now mentally preparing to suggest to Charlie an option, an only option; a vampire's mind could work in such an extraordinary way. I listened as Carlisle had nearly a dozen different conversations in his head, while thinking of every outcome and rebuttal that he might need to convince Charlie.

"Charlie, I would like to ask you something. Please answer truthfully," Carlisle said.

Suddenly I was painfully grateful I had no need to breath.

Charlie grunted a little in response. Carlisle took this as permission to continue.

"What if I had a way to prevent you from burying your daughter? Would you be willing to do anything I asked of you?"

Charlie whirled around to face my father, his eyes wild and his face flushed. "What kind of question is that, Carlisle? I would give my own damn life to save my daughter if it were worth anything. I would hand over my life's savings, my pension, everything I owned. It's not much, but it's yours if you can save my Bella."

My Bella.

Carlisle smiled sadly and took both of Charlie's shaking hands as an act of sincerity. "I do not need money, Charlie," Carlisle said honestly. "And I promise I can bring Bella back to you, but it is a method that is not medically approved… very experimental, you could say."

Charlie dropped his hands form Carlisle's grip and looked back to his daughter. "How can you be so sure it will save her? What will you do?"

"The method is something you must put your trust in," Carlisle replied calmly. "If you are willing to do anything, you must trust me. We will need Bella to leave the hospital, as I could lose my license for practicing unapproved procedures. The hospital would never allow it, but I can care for her in my home."

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "How can you ask a man to trust something as important like this to someone with his only daughter?"

"Charlie, you can choose to leave her here, but you know she will never be the same. She will live the rest of her short life connected to these machines. You know Bella is better than that; you know she is worth more than that."

"Now see here!" Charlie's face was flushed again, a comical vein pulsating right above his left eye. "How can I trust you? I barely know you! And honestly I blame your damn son for this entire mess!"

I felt an icy fist seize my heart. Charlie spoke the truth. If Bella had never met me she would be happy, vibrant, alive.

"What's done is done, Charlie." Carlisle was speaking with the authority of four-hundred years. "But I assumed that you would need convincing. I asked a former patient to come today to show you what Bella is in for if you allow me to help her."

"A former patient?" Charlie asked weakly. For the first time since Carlisle stepped into the room I saw a flash of hope in Charlie's eyes.

"Her name is Tanya, and she is only a few years older than Bella. She suffered similar injuries during a hiking accident. It took her almost three months of my constant care, but please, I'll let you see her for yourself. Perhaps she can put your mind at ease."

Charlie grunted again, and Carlisle called Tanya in.

I watched as Charlie gasped a little at the sight of Tanya. It would take a fool to miss the resemblance between this stranger and the rest of the Cullen family. I hoped that Charlie would be too desperate for a cure to question Carlisle too closely about this coincidence.

"Mister Swan," Tanya glided towards and took his hands while kissing him on both cheeks. Oh yes, Tanya was an excellent choice.

"Tanya?" Charlie was flabbergasted, to say the least, about this beautiful woman in front of him. "Um, where did you say you were from?" Charlie had picked up on Tanya's faint accent.

"Russia," Tanya said with pride. "I grew up in Russia before my family moved to Alaska. It was in Russia that Dr. Cullen nursed me back to health. I will be eternally grateful to him.

I would have laughed at Tanya's sneaky joke, which was lost on Charlie. Charlie couldn't help but continue to stare at Tanya, but it was unclear if it was because of her beauty or because she appeared to still be breathing after whatever Carlisle has supposedly done.

"So, the doctors said you would never wake up when you had your…accident?" Charlie was stumbling for words, unsure if he should be interrogating someone about something so personal.

"Absolutely!" Tanya said cheerfully. "They had given up on me, but not Dr. Cullen. He was a miracle worker. One thing the doctors don't tell you about many things regarding your health is that there are usually so many more options than what they give you, but not everything is tested. Dr. Cullen has traveled the world, and in my opinion, is much more educated than these small town doctors who never leave their small town lives. It is because of Dr. Cullen's thirst… for more knowledge that I am here today, and I just know he will be able to help your daughter. She will be whole again and stronger than ever before."

At this point I was sure Tanya was slipping in little puns and hints to try to thinly warn Charlie. It was fairly apparent he was willing to go any distance to help his daughter, and Tanya was trying to give Charlie some sort of idea what he was in for.

Charlie looked torn. He was by no means a simple-minded man, and it did not take a lot of brain power to connect the dots between Tanya and Carlisle's similar appearance. It was alarming to wonder just how many dots Charlie had pieced together. I was already thinking about how many options I had to get Bella out of the hospital and into my arms.

I watched as Tanya's cheerful expression softened. "I came here as a favor to Carlisle. Believe it or not, Bella means a lot to him and his family, although I know that son of his has messed things up terribly, but there is nothing but kindness in their hearts. Carlisle only wants to help."

It was then that I realized Esme had entered the room behind Charlie. She stole up to him and reached up to put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sure you have heard the rumors as to why my husband and I have fostered so many children," she began. "It is true that I cannot carry children, and as a matter of fact, lost my one and only little boy. There are not words to describe the absolute agony that is the loss of a child, and I would wish it upon no one. My husband can help your daughter so that you may not go through what I have suffered. Please give him this opportunity."

Esme bowed her heard in her quiet way and walked over to Bella as she did before. It wasn't hard to recognize the heartbreak written all over Esme's beautiful face.

Charlie tensed up and looked Carlisle square in the eyes.

"Alright, Cullen. What do you need me to do?"


	8. She's My Sister

I never minded being turned into a vampire because I had nothing to miss from my life as a human. I often wonder what my family was like, what my life and thoughts were like. I cannot imagine it was a happy human life, certainly not full of love like Bella's. My family declared me dead and locked me up, all because apparently I was a bit too extraordinary for their world.

When I woke up with my blood red eyes, the world was a horrifying and beautiful place. I remember everything with such clarity, and then I saw everything. My throat burned to the point that I would have literally killed to stop the sensation, but other images got the better of me.

I saw my victims before they became victims.

I couldn't bear to watch these visions come to pass, so I abstained from human blood. In a state as close to starvation as a vampire could possibly get to, I had another vision of a family, laughing, smiling, and beautiful. I knew these were others like me, and they were hunting deer.

That night I tried hunting animals and found that it agreed with me in a way I could have only dreamed of. I knew then that I needed to find this beautiful family and find a way to be a part of it, but I knew something else was missing.

It was a cold western Pennsylvania night when I saw flashes of a man with golden hair and sunken eyes ducking into a tavern. Behind him as the door closed my vision locked on to the structure of the Liberty Bell. I knew I needed to get to Philadelphia to meet this haunted man. We would comfort each other and set off to find our family.

That was the way my life had been since my half-life ended. I honed my skill and I was rarely wrong. I knew things before they came to pass, and I took comfort in the degree of certainty I had in my future.

Well, Bella and Edward sure shot all that to Hell.

I saw Bella coming, although not in the strictest sense. It was more like I saw a change in Edward's future. He was always such a comfort to me, the fellow freak in a world of freaks, but he was never happy. I saw him change in these visions, surrounded by a mysterious misty figure. I learned later as that figure solidified that it was Bella.

Once Bella became a prominent figure in Edward's present, his future and her future were launched into a state of chaos. For a long time I was sure I was going to live with that constant headache of flickering and changing images until she was turned or killed. I contemplated changing her myself on more than one occasion, but that would have been selfish.

And then as suddenly as the chaos started, after Bella's tragic birthday it ceased. As soon as Jasper lunged for Bella's blood the future was clearer than it had been in a year. Edward would be miserable for the rest of his existence and Bella would remain a walking imitation of what she was, what she could have been.

I tried to explain it all to Edward. He saw what was in my mind. He told me that in time my vision would change. Bella was human, she would move on. I knew my visions well enough to know that she was in for the long haul of misery…until she decided she wasn't.

After I watched Bella's fall, I was more terrified than I had ever been in my entire long life. I knew Edward watched, as I did, in complete horror, but the doubt and the unknown were the worst.

My head exploded then into a million different possible outcomes that would stem from this vision. Most of them were horrifying, but they all flashed so fast that even my vampire mind had a hard time keeping up.

Finally the gears of fate slowed enough that mortal and immortal could keep up again.

So here we were, back at Forks. I joined my family, as did Bella. But Bella lost her family here as well, and a great part of my being did not blame her for her course of action. My brother was always trying to play the part of the martyr, but despite his extra ability he was incredibly ignorant to how his actions may affect others. He wanted to protect Bella, wanted to protect all of us, but he didn't trust any of us enough to be able to make educated decisions for ourselves.

There were times I hated my brother in these past couple months. Vampires are notorious for being unchanging, of course, but every once in awhile something does change, and we cannot go back from that. Human, vampire, we really are not so very different. Bella was going to be my sister, and he took that from me.

I knew as soon as Tanya stepped into the room that our plan was going to work. I breathed a sigh of relief and Esme finally smiled that hopeful smile she shared with Carlisle. She let out the unnecessary breath she had been holding and waited until it was appropriate for her to enter the room.

From there everything seemed to switch into fast forward. Charlie released Bella into Carlisle's care from the hospital, and the staff made no objection. They knew she wouldn't make it and was hoping that having Bella resting at home would be a small comfort to her distraught father. The hard part was keeping Charlie away, talking him into leaving all of Bella's care to Carlisle. Esme told him that he would not want to see his daughter in the acute pain that Carlisle's "treatment" would inflict.

"It jumps the brain activity," Tanya said to Charlie.

"I don't care," Charlie replied. "I want to stay by my daughter's side."

"I cannot work with a nervous father in the room," Carlisle pointed out gently. "I won't deny that this method is incredibly questionable, but I do promise you will see your daughter smile again."

"Shouldn't make promises like that, Cullen," Charlie grumbled angrily, his hands balled into tight fists at his side.

"I never make promises unless I know I can keep them," Carlisle replied. "I promise, you will be updated on her condition. I will be sure you are the first to know anything."

Charlie listened, like I knew he would, but barely. His future was filled with plenty of flickers of different courses of action, but in the end he settled on what seemed to be the best course of action for Bella, staying away.

One surprise we had not anticipated had come in the form of the shape shifters. Jasper and I had not been with the family when they lived in Forks before, and neither I nor Jasper had ever encountered such beings.

Apparently Jacob Black had befriended Bella, and his future was nothing but blackness spread out in my mind. To be honest, it was almost a comfort to have pause after the chaos that raged for days. It was also completely obvious that Jacob was in love with Bella, and it tore him to the core to see her die either death.

In the end, it was Esme again who calmed the young werewolf down. Gentle Esme, full of love and compassion, was impossible to ignore as the epitome of a maternal figure. Again she told her story of losing her loved one and of her own fall. I knew it hurt her to keep revisiting the past, but she would do anything for one of her children.

Jacob made it obvious that he would consider Bella dead no matter what the outcome would be, but in a moment of clarity through his rage he also realized that she would rather be dead without Edward in her life. He tried to be what she needed and recognized his failure. As the Alpha, so to speak, he gave Carlisle permission to change her and promised the treaty would not be broken.

That is how Bella came to be at our home, our living room turned into a makeshift hospital room, and the family walking around and whispering as such. Even Emmett was unusually quiet and melancholy, as the feeling of death hovering over Bella hit him surprisingly hard.

Edward was not leaving her side. His eyes, like mine and my family's, had darkened to black with hunger, but strangely I could feel that none of us burned for Bella's blood, not even Jasper. We were all too sickened by what life and love had nearly done to this family, and the guilt and grief rolling off of Edward was close to making Jasper as close to sick as he had ever felt.

Our thoughts did not help; we all blamed Edward.

Blame aside, however, we would get through this. Vampire venom would cure Bella, and our family would be whole again if she could ever forgive us for listening to our idiot brother, and he for what he had done to her heart and spirit.

Venom would fix her body, but we all depended on immortality to fix her soul.

We all gathered like specters near Bella. Edward stroked her hair and looked up at Carlisle. "I suppose it is time."

Carlisle nodded and brought out the morphine he hoped would curb the burning. We did not know what Bella's pain threshold would be.

He injected the morphine into her pale arm, and after a minute had passed reached to her hand, ready to bite.

"Wait!" I heard myself cry out before I could register the vision dancing in front of my eyes.

Edward, for the first time in months, had a ghost of a smile playing on his lips as he saw what I did.

"Bella will be really mad if it isn't Edward," I explained to my startled family.

Carlisle smiled and nodded, and motioned for Edward to take his place. Edward looked down once more at Bella's still figure. He took her hand and placed a chaste kiss to the top, closed his eyes, and then in one fluid movement he flipped it over and bit down.


	9. Burning

I was in Hell.

I had completed my punishment in Purgatory; now the powers that be decided to send me on my way to the fiery pits.

I was burning - that's how I knew I had landed in Hell. I couldn't see nor hear anything, but I could feel every single nerve in my body go up in flames. I was burning from the inside out. I could tell, beyond a doubt, the fire started in my heart. How appropriate: the fire that consumed my life would now consume my death.

I took it. I was resigned to my fate, and truth be told, I almost preferred the blistering heat to the cool numbness from before. It was poetic justice, really. I could have tried to push my feelings for Edward away, but he was already a part of me. As much as it sang to him, he was already a part of my blood, inside of me and keeping me alive. Like a drug he made his way into my bloodstream, little by little he gave me a taste of the love that people only can read about. He was my drug and I was his addict; I couldn't live without him, and I didn't want to.

It was strange, most women I knew felt betrayed and angry when they were left. I felt betrayed, yes, but not angry. I always knew deep down there was nothing but my blood holding him to me, and eventually my blood would run dry, like so many mortals before me. Because he did not want to turn me, I knew it would have only been a matter of time before he grew tired. I anticipated it; I just did not know how badly it would hurt my heart to watch him walk away.

I couldn't tell if I was screaming. I felt trapped inside my own head. Like before, I was unable to control any part of my body; I could be having seizures and I wouldn't be able to tell. I hoped I wasn't screaming. I wanted to be brave, I wanted to face my punishment like the adult I had always felt like. I didn't hear anything around me; maybe everyone went to their own little place in Hell, and there was no interaction with the others who threw their lives away to the wind.

I would have eternity to think. That in itself might be worse than the burning, which seemed to be getting worse, engulfing what was left of my broken heart in wicked licks until I was sure every part of me would be nothing but ash.

I had eternity to think about what I had done to my family, eternity to think about what I had lost in life, eternity to decide if it was worth it.

My thoughts drifted to Esme, my would-be second mother. She jumped, yet she survived - somewhat. There is no way Esme would have landed here. She gave up her life because she lost her child; she had no one else to mourn her. I checked out because I could not live without someone who decided not to love me in return. I was selfish. I deserved this.

And so I burned. I took it and immersed myself in the relief of finally being able to feel something more that the searing numbness that had engulfed my life in the past months. I would burn and finally feel alive.

I watched my Bella burn. It seemed that these few days, a mere drop in the bucket of eternity, had become an eternity all unto themselves. Carlisle promised Charlie he would see his daughter alive again, and while that was a stretch at best, he would at least see her animated again.

But would she ever be able to share her smile with me again? She opted to leave a life in which she shared a world with me... would she ever forgive me?

"It's going to be a long road." Tiny Alice appeared at my elbow, looking down at Bella with me. "But see? You can already tell she is changing; she will actually have more color to her as a vampire than as that almost-corpse. She looks beautiful, Edward."

I flinched at the word 'corpse' and I knew it was Alice's way of reminding me what I had nearly lost forever, and what I would lose still if I wasn't careful.

' "The future is looking bright again," she said with a smile. I knew it too. I saw the visions in her head: Bella hugging Alice and Esme, Carlisle and Emmett, and even Rose and Jasper, the two who were always somewhat on the opposing side of Bella.

But Alice didn't see her near me.

"She is confused about you," Alice said with a shrug. "It's not clear because she has no idea what to think of you. I hate to say I told you so but…"

"How do you pack so much annoying into such a tiny body?" I asked my sister, not minding the jab that I knew I wholly deserved. "Do you think…?"

"She loves you, Edward," Alice said in a voice that sounded so blissfully sure. "I don't need to be able to see the future to know that you are her future, and she is yours."

Alice always was my favorite sister.

"She's going to think you didn't want her in the first place." The voice from behind me made me turn in surprise. Rosalie.

I noticed Alice tactfully step away and let Rose share my attention.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, keeping my voice even. Rose had never been my favorite sibling, and she knew that.

"You dismissed her," Rosalie said, keeping her impossibly beautiful face turned down to watch the burning Bella. "You rejected her."

"I did not reject her," I argued, feeling the venom course through my mouth. It had been well over a week since I hunted; Rosalie would do well to not try me.

"When you decided we all needed to leave Forks," Rosalie reminded me, her face twisting into a frown at the memory. "You told her you did not want her. She is not the mind reader, Edward. You should understand that when someone says something to the rest of us, we have to take it at face value. She had no idea you were lying, and you are an idiot to have believed otherwise."

I growled deep in my chest before I even realized it was coming from me.

Alice and Jasper were at my side in an instant, and I already felt the cool waves of calm radiating off of Jasper. I knew he was working very hard, and that his guilt was nearly equal to my own.

"Enough, Rosalie," Alice said quietly. "We have an endless amount of time to remind Edward every day exactly how stupid he was, but don't you think Bella should be conscious to enjoy it?"

Alice smiled at Bella and the next growl died in my chest. Alice loved Bella nearly as much as I did. I loved Alice for that, too.

"If he doesn't understand what she's going to be feeling when she wakes up then he's just going to screw it up again," Rosalie replied, certainly not ready to let it go. Why did she care?

"Time to drop it, babe." Emmett had crept up behind Rosalie and put his arms around her waist. "Can't teach an old dog new tricks," he added with a wink.

I glared at my brother, and then shot another look at Rosalie. "You wanted her dead in the first place. Why do you care all of a sudden now?"

"I only wanted her dead so you wouldn't kill her in the heat of the moment," Rosalie replied with a shrug. "I know how much you love to brood; I didn't think you needed more fuel to the fire."

In her own strange way, Rosalie was trying to save me from myself. The thought had never occurred to me until right this second that Rosalie was anything but shallow. What an odd feeling.

"She's going to wake soon," Alice announced proudly, and everyone stole another look at Bella's still form.

Carlisle and Esme drew closer, to the bed Bella was lying on. They were the epitome of parents, keeping close while their children bickered things out, but not too close as to smother. It's amazing to think that technically, I am older than Esme.

"Her color is better," Esme remarked thoughtfully. It is not common to make that observation at the end of a vampire transformation; usually the person grows much more pale.

"It is almost like Bella was so close to death, being made vampire has made her more alive," Jasper commented in surprise. "She looks brilliant."

I gazed over my Bella in wonder and fear. She would wake soon, so soon she would feel the first burn of becoming vampire. She would not be my Bella for at least a year. It had only just occurred to me that for now Bella would not be able to talk with me; she would just need to feed constantly.

"I think she's going to surprise us all," Alice cut into my train of thought. I stole a quick look into her head and only saw a picture of an apple tree.

"Well," Alice smirked at me, "everybody but me."


End file.
